Since this new year has started I have tried to put in "action" what my heart was telling me it was wanting to do. I wanted to get back into shape and lose a little weight I had gain prior to getting pregnant with Calvin. I also was interested in getting involved in a women's Bible study/small group. With these new commitments I was making I didn't realize the emotional strain it was going to be on my heart and mind.
Being a stay at home Mom is great because you get to be with your kids all the time. Yes, there are moments where you need a break and that is the real beauty of nap time. God created it with all us parents in mind! However, when I have been going to the gym I leave my kids in the gym's child care area. Honestly, besides putting Clayton in the church nursery/children's ministry I really have never left my kids in a structured day care environment. I have had baby sitters yes but thats usually in "my" home or someone else's home. It was very difficult the first time. I felt like I was abandoning them and it was such a bizarre experience for this stay at home Mommy. I try to go to the gym at least 4 times a week and I would go more if I didn't have children. In talking to my husband this afternoon I was sharing with him these feelings I have been having. Wondering if I was being a bad Mom going to the gym so often and going to this Bible study weekly. As I am writing this I am still questioning if I'm doing right by my kids. My husband being supportive and encouraging shared that what I am doing is good and not inappropriate. He said if I was going to a "bar" or "partying" that then maybe it would be considered a little negative time apart but the time apart I am having with my boys is beneficial not only for me but for them. I want my kids to be well adjusted and not "clingy". So I know in part this is a small opportunity for an hour or so here or there for them to get that socialization that they are missing when I have them home with me alone all day.
Its amazing all the things you start to think about as a parent. Questioning yourself on every level and hoping that your "best" is good enough for your little treasures.
I hope that these feelings of guilt will subside a little as time continues with this new schedule. However, I know that if their health, happiness or overall wellness is at all disturbed I'll definitely have to revise my current strategy.
In the meantime, I am hoping to lose this weight sooner than later so at least I can see the results of all my hard work, early mornings and sore muscles! Hee hee!
I wish you all the best in your weekly schedules and routines. I hope that where ever you are and whatever you are doing that God blesses your love and efforts toward your children. As this is my own prayer for myself.
Have a great day!
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