12/29/10 - Last night

Tonight is the last night I will be officially a Mother of 2 boys. Tomorrow I will be welcoming another life into this family and I am more than excited! My children bless me in such a rich and powerful way. From the "new" developments they make to all the wonderful hugs and kisses I am showered with daily. Yes, there are moments where I could pull every single hair out of my head out of frustration of being a Mom of 2 boys under the age of 4. However, those moments are far from taking away the true joy and fulfillment I receive every day for being a Mom. I dreamed of this experience all my life and especially since the passing of my own Mother when I was in high school. It makes me feel closer to her as I try to repeat the same traditions and practices that she integrated into my life.

As I laid both my sons to bed tonight I cried telling them how much I loved them and how I will miss them tomorrow. Its not often I go a whole day without seeing my children. The last time I did this was in May when I went to visit my family that I hadn't seen in almost 2 years in Nebraska. I was able to leave them only because I had missed my family and friends severely back home and because I knew Sean would take excellent care of them while I was away. Having at least one parent there to comfort and love them helped me cope with the separation anxiety I experienced while gone. However, Sean will be with me tomorrow and most of the day until late in the afternoon. I feel guilty leaving them but am so incredibly blessed by 2 women who have been so generous to be willing to share their holiday weekend with us. With no family out here to support us through such an experience it was so vital and necessary for us to have these two step up and lend us some help through a complicated schedule. I could never repay them for what debt that I feel I owe them for doing such a kind and compassionate deed but I will certainly try to show them my gratitude once I'm able to get around again.

I'm having my third c-section tomorrow. Its so painful I wish I could experience a natural child birth. Not that natural deliveries aren't painful. But, the recovery for the most part is faster and easier than having a huge incision to heal. I dread it and will be dreading it until I'm on the operating table laid out "crucifix" style awaiting the first cries of my baby. Once the baby cries I start to bawl uncontrollably because each time I have a child (2 times) it just isn't truly real until I hear the cry. Yes, they kick me and push me from within but its just so completely impacting to hear them make their presence known in this world.

I have been faithful in writing in the baby's baby book these past few weeks and months and I can not wait to fill in the blanks for the delivery date.

I know how blessed I am to be carrying my third child and I do not and will never take this experience for granted. We're not for sure if this is our last child or not but I have kept that reality in the forefront of my mind. Through these past 39 weeks I have tried to savor and appreciate every moment whether it be uncomfortable or comfortable. These gifts from God I do not ever forget are just that, gifts. I am thankful and grateful to God for entrusting these blessed and precious lives to me and Sean. We do not take our roles lightly and will forever be committed and perseverant in watching over these little ones until the day they need us to let go.

Thank you Lord for this life. Thank you for blessing this pregnancy and keeping the baby healthy. Thank you for keeping me healthy throughout allowing me to be an active Mother to both Calvin and Clayton. Thank you so much for Sean being such a supportive husband and devoted Father through these past few months. Thank you that he is here with me to support me and share with me this important day. I know that he could be deployed right now and I could be alone. You provided this time and this opportunity for us both and we are so thankful to you. We praise you for the many blessings you have and are giving to us. We love you so much and could not be more excited to meet this little one you have knit and created in my womb. Please bless all the happenings tomorrow and the Heather and Diana for watching the boys while we are gone. Thank you so much for your ever encompassing love and grace. Without You there would be no us. I love you so much and feel so overwhelmed by this wonderful privilege you have given to me to be where I am tonight. Amen.

12/12/10 - Mommy's reflections...awaiting my next angel..

So many things go through a woman's mind when waiting to go into labor with a baby. Whether you consider the immense happiness you experience when hearing the first cries of your baby dreading the pain you may or may not experience.

For me, this is my third child and I couldn't be more excited. However, I dread the surgery I must endure to bring my baby into the world. There are laws in certain states that do not allow v-bacs and my husband brought me to one of these states. So, because Clayton was delivered via c-section I was forced to continue that tradition with Calvin. The recovery isn't horrible but it isn't pleasant either. After the baby is born you miss out on the immediate bonding that most mother's experience when delivering naturally. The whole laying the baby on your chest after delivery is something I will never experience. However, I try my hardest to focus on the real blessing which is a healthy and happy baby. Which I have had two and now praying also for the third to be just the same as well. As a Mother you worry constantly. At least I do. I worry about everything. Its hard not too. When you love someone as much as I love my children you fear for their safety, health and happiness. I spend a lot of time in prayer asking God to continue to shelter my children and watch over them as they find their way in this big world full of temptations and dangers.

I have been thinking about this new life within me and the amazing experience it will be to get to meet this little person I've been carrying around for so long. My two boys have such interesting and special personalities. My youngest son Calvin has been really developing his vocabulary and it has really been fun for Sean and I to watch him learn to communicate more effectively. He listens to Clayton and really observes him seriously to be able to mimic and follow in his foot steps. The role of a big brother truly is a special and important. Clayton's middle name is William for which we named him after Sean's Grandfather. The meaning of William means, "guardian". We didn't intentionally do this but Clayton takes his big brother role seriously and we have never asked him too. Other than keeping his hands to himself and not trying to intentionally hurt his brother he has done a great job. We couldn't be more proud of him for this reason. It is going to be interesting to see how he relates to this new baby because when we brought home Calvin, I think Clayton thought that the baby was "his" newest toy. He wanted to hold him right away and he was the first to hold him after we brought him home. It was a very special relationship right away. I pray a good experience for this new baby as well as they all learn to be a family.

Many people have asked us if we're done having children after this baby. The honest answer for both Sean and I is that we don't know. We have no idea what its like to be outnumbered. So, before we make any final decisions we want to experience three children before we worry about having four or not having four.

I'm so anxious for what is going to happen. Both my boys were born at 37 weeks and I am 36 wks and almost 5 days. I hope that no matter when the baby makes its arrival we're going to be grateful and so blessed beyond measure. I do request often via prayer at night that God allow me to either have the baby after Christmas and/or before. Only because it would really be hard to be in the hospital alone on a Christmas night without the rest of my family. No matter what, I'm excited. As any Mother would be.

I wish for you all a very Merry Christmas and a special and wonderful time together with your family and friends. God Bless you all.

Natasha

12/6/10 - Adoption is such an amazing option....

So for some of you that do know me, you are well aware that I was adopted as a child. My story is a very interesting one due to the fact that my life began in Seoul, South Korea in the late 70's. My biological parents were going to keep me but my biological Mother passed away shortly after I was born. My Father kept me for a few months and then made what I would assume was a tough decision by giving me up for adoption. He advised the orphanage he wanted me to be adopted by an American family. Thankfully, his wishes were granted and I was adopted to an awesome American family. I only state biological versus my adopted parents so that some of you not familiar with my story can follow who is who.

I was given an amazing life because of a sacrificial decision made by my biological Father. Adoption one either side of the experience is complicated. For the parent(s) giving a child up for whatever reasons they have is painful, and difficult. For the parent(s) adopting the child its full of legal paperwork, high costs, stressful waiting periods, and emotional ups and downs from all the different hoops one must jump through to adopt a child. However, when all is said and done usually in most cases the child adopted has a wonderful and fulfilling life being given an amazing new family to love and be loved by. I know for me, I feel amazingly blessed by the parents God chose for me. I know I would not be the person I am or be where I am had it not been for my Mom and Dad (Margie and Clayton Kardell). Their love for me gave me opportunities and blessings I could never have asked for or hoped for.

As I write this blog one of my oldest sisters is overseas in China waiting to be given her new daughter that my brother-in-law and her adopted. They have been waiting for almost 5 years to meet this little girl and now their dreams are finally coming true. They also adopted a little girl 17 yrs ago from South Korea. I was there when her plane landed in Des Moines, IA. It was such a blessed day when we met Karissa for the first time. She was the cutest little baby and I loved her immediately just as everyone in our whole family did, especially, my sister and brother-in-law. She and my brother-in-law had two sons naturally before adopting. So, their reasoning for adopting was not for lack of ability to have children naturally. They, just like my parents had natural children and then adopted later. I have often thought of this option for Sean and I do to do as well. Being adopted myself, it is difficult for me to live the rest of my life without giving a child the same wonderful life I was given as a child by two loving parents. However, as my family grows naturally, I'm not sure of the timing, the cost, and my own physical limitations as a Mother. Raising children is a hard job and any parent will agree exhausting. I want to make sure that if and when we were to adopt that we would be able to give a child everything they deserve. God will make it clear to Sean and I if and when the time is right.

Some people reading this may know of someone who is unable to conceive naturally. I would not say to tell them to adopt because this is a personal decision that has to be "I believed" God inspired. I can relate to a woman wanting to experience pregnancy and child labor. The bond this experience creates is very special and momentous. However, God chooses to answer our prayers with yes's and no's. I wish the answers to our deepest desires for our lives could always be yes, but in order for God's will to be done in our lives sometimes we are destined to experience pain or hardship to help develop our faith and dependance on Him. However, I have to say that adoption is truly an invaluable gift you can give to yourself and a child because the "bond" is one that can not be explained or contained based on one's biology. I may not look like my Mom or Dad but I certainly "love" like them.

If you don't know how you feel about adopting I hope that after reading this you have a positive opinion on it knowing how one decision can make a new life for a child who desperately needs it.

12/4/10 - Blessed but a little distressed....

Before I write anything. I need to make it completely clear that I know how truly blessed I am. Thankfulness is something I strive each day to consider a priority before a complaint runs through my mind. I do not always achieve such a lofty goal but I do make an effort to always try. As much as I have to be thankful for like anyone there are definite voids that I also ponder with sadness at important or life changing moments.

I lost my Mother at a young age. I had just finished my first few months of my senior year of high school when the Lord took her to heaven. It devastated me and my senior year although momentous also came with a lot of grief and depression. Being the only child left at home to help my destroyed Father through his own grief and pick up all the broken pieces of our home life was pretty intense for an 18 year old. My Father then when I was only 26 years old also passed away. So I had lost both parents before the age of 30. When I know of 50 year olds or more that still have their parents to this day made for a very, very horrible loss for me and my siblings. Being the youngest though of 5 kids, 3 of which are all more than a decade older than I am had a very different grieving process. I graduated from high school my Mom was missing. I got married and my Dad was not there to walk me down the aisle and give me away. I have my first child and neither are able to be there for me or their grand child. My second son was born and the same thing. And now, that my third child is almost here, again I am filled with a sadness and loss that words could not express. Most women I know have their Mother's in the delivery room or in the maternity ward's waiting room the day the baby is born. They see the baby for the first time, hold and cuddle with the newborn with pride. Never experienced this. My son's have never had my Father take them for ice cream or ride in Grandpa Kardell's tractor on the farm. My parents have never bought one thing for their grandchildren to wear or play with. They can never wear a shirt that says, "When Mommy says no, I go to Grandma's house." I hate those shirts only because they break my heart that my Mother will never get to buy it for them. I know these things seem all so minor and superficial. However, they are precious experiences and moments I have witnessed, hear about, and/or dreamed of for my children that will never come to fruition.

We live very far away from both sides of our families. And when we had Calvin just a year and a half ago we had no visitors in the hospital. The only people that saw baby Calvin were Sean and I and Clayton. It made me so sad. It is a reality that many military families experience when moving around a lot and living far away from extended family. So, in a lot of ways, I need to just accept the reality of our current life and embrace it for all that it is. And I have definitely been trying to just look at the positive side these last few weeks of my pregnancy. However, with all the hormones, lack of sleep, the exhaustion in these last few days I have been losing this valiant battle of the mind.

Again, I know I am blessed. There are so many people in this world who can not conceive children and would endure anything to experience it first hand. I understand this with great appreciation for what God has allowed me to have. It just gets hard at times when I think of how much my Mom and Dad would of loved to be here to care/love/hold my children as they had my Sister's children. (For which they had 5 grandchildren before mine were born.) I was 4 years old when my oldest sister gave birth to my oldest nephew so I saw how much my Mother and Father adored him and the children to follow.

For all of you that have your parents still please do me a great service by treasuring each moment you have and will have with them. Savor each hug they give to your children and each giggle they cause your little ones to make. Yes, they may spoil your kids. Let them. Yes, they may interfere with your parenting, accept it. Yes, they may be a little demanding, understand they just really love your kids (can you blame them?) The other side of your scenario is not better or easier. It is painful and grievous. I would do anything for my kids to have my parents in their lives. However, it is only my dream someday for us all to be together in heaven one day long into the future. Eternity is the only way my children will get to enjoy their grandparents on my side.

In closing, I just want to say that I truly do see how blessed I am. I do feel grateful for this pregnancy each and every day. I love my two boys more than my own life. With having shared that, I just really miss my Mom and Dad. Having another baby just makes it more difficult not having them here because of how special and important this time in my life is. Wishing beyond all wishing they could of been here to share it with me.

God bless all of you and your families during this time of year.

May it be as special and magical as it can be.

Mom and Dad- if you can hear me or see me I just want you to know how much I love you and always will. You live in my heart and will for the rest of my days. I try to be the woman you hoped I could be. Mom, I desperately try each day to be a fraction of the wonderful Mother you were to me. Dad, I am trying to raise these boys as best as I possibly can with all the great traits, values and vital lessons you taught me. I miss you. Hope you can see my angels here on earth from where you are in heaven. I think you would think they were cute. You always wondered what my children would look like, and I have to say, I don't think they turned out too shabby. :) I think they are pretty cute myself. I will give them as many hugs and kisses as I can for both myself and a few from you guys too. Thank you for all you gave me. I never take it for granted and will always do my best to make you proud of me. With all my heart - forever and ever - Your daughter, Natasha

Change of Plans - November 19, 2010

I had originally planned as of January 1, 2010 to write a 365 blog entries. At the end of which I would have a book written full of fun family memories and interesting stories filled with lots of lessons learned. However, a surprise pregnancy in May followed with excessive fatigue and nausea I have completely failed this plan. Regardless, I could not be more pleased and excited for my reason to have failed this goal. Its only a few short weeks until we get to meet this little one. The boys are so crazy about babies it will be more than interesting to see their reaction to another sibling. As the weeks have passed I have seen Calvin and Clayton bonding in a way I never expected. Being two years apart I would have thought it would have taken a lot longer for them to have created such a friendship. Thankfully, I was wrong.

I was just sharing with Sean how interesting it is how similar they are in their interest in caring for others. They are always trying to feed us. It is such a sweet gesture but from a 1 year old with usually dirty hands its not an ideal way to enjoy a snack. Calvin has been repeating Clayton-isms for several days now. He doesn't repeat Clayton he actually uses these sentences in a proper context. Its pretty funny. They both just like to be so helpful, which means there is never a boring moment in this household.

We also added a new member to our family of a furry sort. We had sort of a dramatic change though in this decision. Unexpectedly, we bought a yorkshire terrier and were greatly disappointed that she got stolen a week or so after we bought her. So, to help heal our wounds from this serious heart break we bought another dog a few weeks later. This puppy is a pug who we have named Peyton. She is super cute and naughty of course. Her potty training is definitely coming with its challenges. Thankfully, I still have ability to bend down and clean up her "accidents" easily. Its exhausting though to get done cleaning up after my boys and to turn around and see what else I need to do before I can sit down myself. Good thing I love her and that my boys love her even more. She is good to my kids. She allows abuses of every kind and I can't thank her enough for her patience. We have another dog who is a chihuahua that isn't so gracious. So, she is a refreshing addition to our family. I dream of the future days where my boys will be taking care of her and loving on her as if she belonged only to them.

I wake up every morning now considering what life will be with all these changes in my life happening so soon. I am excited to meet this little one. Every time I see a little baby I smile and sigh with a warm fuzzy heart moment. It will be such a blessed day when I am holding my own baby in a few weeks. Praying each day for the health, happiness and safety of my little one. That's the hard part about being a Mom. You worry about them all the time. From the moment I became aware I was pregnant I started to worry about this little life within. I can not wait to be able to see who God has created within me and start loving the baby in person instead of within me.

I have washed all the clothes and prepared the bedding. I am going to have another c-section which I dread each time. It is a painful but necessary procedure in my case. My first baby Clayton was a big baby and at 37 wks was born an ounce short of 9 pounds. So, after trying to push naturally for 3 hours my Dr. said it was best to perform the surgery. Moving to Nevada they have a law here that if you have had a prior c-section it is required by most Dr's here to prevent law suits to continue to have them. I really wanted to try naturally again but to my dismay was unable due to this regulation. So, now that I am on to my third child I face the dreaded recovery time for my incision and the uncomfortable pain for weeks. It of course is worth every stitch and every ounce of pain but its still hard to endure. Thankfully, my recovery with Calvin was much faster than that of my experience with Clayton. Not having to push was helpful of course.

I still have yet to pack my bags for the hospital but I have a few weeks to get to it.

With all this said it is going to be a new world for this family in a few weeks. Sean and I are so anxious to meet and see this baby in a few weeks. Life here is going to be so different. So wonderfully different. Knowing that our family will never be the same without this new addition is such a joyful thought. We are unsure as of now if this will be our last one. Seeking God's wisdom and direction on whether or not 4 kids is too much for us or not. However, if God does somehow inspire us to do so the number 4 will undoubtedly be the last Kerrigan child in this household.

As Thanksgiving nears this year I can not express to anyone how truly grateful I am for all that we have been given. I try not to take anything for granted and to appreciate all God's many blessings. We wish so badly that we could be closer to one of our families but that is not in God's plan for us for now. So we press forward and try to teach our boys the meaning of thankfulness in all things, in all circumstances. Hopefully, someday in the future we will spend a national holiday with some extended family. For now, our little "clan" is more than enough family for me. God Bless you all during this wonderful Holiday season.

Gobble, gobble.

An emotional visit to McDonalds - 7/26/10

On Saturday we were supposed to meet with a potential baby sitter for my birthday this Friday. The normal girl that we use was unable to do it due to her professional working schedule. The girl ended up being a "no-show" which wasn't ideal but we made the most of out of it by going to SAMS Club for their sampling hour. It was so much fun. We enjoyed so many fun samples along with the boys getting to eat different things to their hearts content. It was so gratifying that their favorite samples were "healthy". They loved the fruit and the V8 Fruit Juice. Afterward, we took the boys to McDonalds as I had been promising to take Clayton their to their playplace for a few days. Its so hard for me to take them by myself because they usually run into two different directions and it becomes too stressful for me to handle on my own. If Calvin were older it wouldn't be a big deal because they could go and do the same things but because he is so small I can't let him climb the "big kids" side for fear he is going to get "trampled!"

So anyway, as we sat there as a family amongst a very "busy and loud" birthday part that was taking place at the same time. I didn't know they did birthday parties at McDonald's play places but I learned that day Saturday afternoon isn't the best time to go for a easy going play time. Clayton though, had a blast playing with all the kids and enjoying running around inside an air conditioned area! My husband and I sat there and enjoyed seeing our boys having fun. Its times like these that I thank God so much for what blessings and gifts He has given to us. There is no greater joy in my life than to see my children happy. As I looked around I noticed that there was a couple with a twenty-something down-syndrome young man. I smiled at the couple and the young man. I hoped that he was having fun sitting around watching all the kids get crazy and be loud. I took Clayton to the bathroom and came back to see that the young man was trying to get up the play place play area against the wishes of the couple who seemed to be watching him as they seemed too young to be his parents. Sean shared with me that the couple had been trying for sometime now since I had been gone to convince him to get down for which he was not complying. I felt so bad for him because I am sure it felt unfair to him not get to get to play also. Being super hormonal and emotional I started to cry feeling empathetic to his situation and to that of the couple trying to help him.

I started to think about my baby that is growing inside me as each pregnancy a woman has there is always a chance of something happening within without your knowledge. I have always felt that if something would happen to my child that would impact their development internally or externally that it would of course be heart breaking. And at the same time I also believe that the love that I have for this life within is more powerful than any disappointment I may feel for the child or for us as parents for their future. I just know that all children are precious gifts from above and that each life has purpose and plan is very special.

My poor husband as he sat across from me at McDonalds with a wife breaking down in tears int he children's play place. He sat beside me feeling badly to see me crying so hard telling me it was going to be ok.

One thing about being pregnant for me is that emotions are a three-ring circus!

Either way, I thank God for children and for the amazing blessing it is to be a Mother. Anything that God may hand us I know has purpose and plan and ultimately is because He loves me and this child. I pray for this child's and all my children's healthy and safety daily. As I am sure you all do as well.

A long time since...a lot has happened since...7/22

So, its been months since I last wrote on this blog. I am a major slacker and now more than ever.

Well, as many of you know I am pregnant....again!

I found out I was pregnant on my second son's first birthday! We were having company over and I just didn't want to get interrupted by any monthly "issues" so I thought I'd just take a quick test to make sure I wasn't pregnant to prevent any "embarrassing" situations for the day of the party. My husband took the two boys to the store to get a few things I needed and give me some time to finish getting ready. I took the test real quick and sat it on my vanity as I did my make-up. Little did I know when I got up to look at it and throw it away that it would say, PREGNANT! I was devastated! I was not prepared for that result, I was expecting "NOT" Pregnant. So, as I sat there and tried to take it in what was happening I was upset that Sean wasn't there. I felt like it was years until he came home. And then I was perplexed on how to tell him. There are so many cute ways that people have chosen to tell their husbands they are pregnant but for me I was just so taken back I didn't have time to prepare a good presentation. As I went downstairs when Sean came home with the boys from the grocery store my heart was beating loudly in my chest. I had been very impatient and critical of him that morning because I was stressed to get all done for the party that I wanted. Unfortunately, I needed to apologize to him before I would even consider telling him we have another baby on the way! So I hugged him and apologized ever so lovingly. I told him how sorry I was and that I was way out of line for my grouchiness. So, anyway, after he forgave me I pulled away from the hug and said, "Its ok for me to be grouchy because I'm pregnant and hormonal." Sean thought I was joking and I had to convince him that it was real. He was so excited and I know I can always depend on Sean for a good reaction and supportive response. I was still very nervous, and so surprised. We were planning on another baby but just didn't realize that it would happen when we weren't exactly trying or hoping for it to happen.

It took a few weeks for me to really embrace this pregnancy because it was such a surprise and shock to my system. Everything has gone really well and although each time I get pregnant I shut down in "worry-mode" God has really blessed us with a healthy pregnancy. I am so thankful for that because I like any Mom once I get pregnant I am in love with this little life and would sacrifice anything and everything for him/her to be happy and healthy. I look forward to finding out the sex of the baby here in a few weeks. I'm nervous of course because we would just love a little girl because we have two boys. I've never bought anything pink or frilly for myself so the idea of it really excites me. However, if it is another boy I know Clayton and Calvin will welcome their 3rd musketeer with open arms. My friend Jessica told me she doesn't see me as a "only-boy" Mom so I am hoping deep down she is right. But as stated before we just want a healthy, and happy child.

This time around has been pretty different. I had pretty bad nausea with this pregnancy and just in these final last two weeks has it gotten better. However, now, the "eating" has begun and the last few nights I have been "starving" at bed time. I hate it! I can't fall asleep hungry though so, of course I eat. And I'm eating junk. Terrible! Terrible! And I just am yelling at myself internally for it. However, this may be the last time I'm pregnant and I don't want to spend it being miserable trying to eat like a nutritionist on steroids. So, I'm trying to just take it all in and not worry about my weight (although gaining way too fast) and just enjoy this time around. I'm exhausted though like I've never been before. My housework is definitely being overlooked and I of course am angry at myself for that as well. With 3 men living in this house there is so much to clean and pick up. I pick up all the toys and 3 minutes later a toy explosion as taken place. Or if I attempt to put things away then the "boys" think "wow, that looks interesting, let me play with that." I tried to get some storage/organizational boxes that now are the boys favorite things to play on, play in and carry around the house. I'm like, "really?" And the answer is, "really." I've never been pregnant before with 2 little boys to run after and I must say I'm pretty much not "succeeding" at being that "betty crocker - martha stewart - perfect homemaker" role that I really try to fulfill. I keep hoping that the next day I'll have more energy. But living in the desert in the summer time with over 100 degree heat advisory days we're vampires here which doesn't help your energy level whatsoever. Maybe in a few more weeks I'll get back on track with my cleaning, my attempts at organizing, and getting certain projects around the house that need to be done, finished. In the meantime, I am taking my naps, trying to sleep as long as my boys will let me in the morning, and letting everything else take second place.

I am so excited to share this wonderful news with all you and I am going to be a lot better about posting my blogs as it is more therapeutic for me than anything. :)

Sweet dreams everyone!

N

5/4/10 - Nervous and anxious....

So today I attended the last meeting of my small group Bible study at my church here in Las Vegas. Oh, how I was saddened by the end of a wonderful time of fellowship with some really special people. Connecting with women is such a vital and important part of maintaining a healthy relationship with Jesus. Women need women. For so many reasons. I won't go into the really specific details but will define that statement only by saying that feeling like you're not the only one is a priceless encouragement we can get or provide to one another.

With all my disappointment of this being the last study before the fall segment that will begin in September I was also relieved. I was relieved because my 3 year old son - (Clayton) has the last few weeks gotten some negative feedback from those caring for him during my time in the study. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of Mom who really strives so hard to raise my children in a way that I can feel proud. So when I am confronted with a failure in this attempt due to some bad behavior it is always discouraging. I had not been back to the study since the last time Clayton had a bad report so I was nervous as I got him ready to leave this morning. I was even considering not going because of my anxiety of getting another bad report.

Even as I walked into the room to find my seat I was holding tightly to the pager they provide you just in case there is a problem they are able to find you quickly. I felt it I am sure probably five or six times during the first hour I sat there at my table. The good news is, is that I never got paged. When I went downstairs to go pick him up no one rushed to my side to advise me of the details of his behavioral issues for the morning. They may have had pity on me knowing it was the last day but I have to believe that he did better today.

There are many days that I just have a "whoa's me party" when it comes to knowing how to deal with my oldest son. Through all of this I always thank God for blessing me with him. Sean and I every once and awhile will nudge each other or try to get the other's attention randomly at times to share with the other some cute or fun behavior from Clayton.

I can not praise the Lord enough for allowing me to have a "non-report" for Clayton's behavior at his child care today. My parental self-esteem needed a break from the negative and a boost even if it small or a tiny amount of positive!

Not sure if you ever come up against a wall when you consider if you are struggling as a parent but I know I have. The good news for me is that when those walls come I have an amazing husband who helps push me over it and hold my hand through it. One of God's greatest gifts to me and always will be. I will forever be grateful to God for helping me find such a great partner in this tough battle called, "parenthood".

4/30/10 - My second baby...Calvin Daniel

Wow, how fast time flies by! This time last year I was very pregnant. I say, "very" because I was days away from giving birth to my second child. At the time I didn't know that it was for sure I would be delivering him at 37 weeks but I had a hunch since his older brother was born at 37 weeks as well. I was praying at this point last year that if he were to come early that he would just wait til after the TOP CHEF taping on base here at Nellis Air Force Base. My husband had gotten us a reservation to be on the shop and since it is probably one of my favorite shows ever I didn't want to miss the opportunity. Thankfully, my son did wait and only 5 days later I welcomed my son Calvin Daniel into the world on May 8th, 2009.

We are celebrating his first birthday tomorrow due to the fact that Mother's Day weekend might of caused some scheduling problems for some of our guests.

I am so thankful and excited for those who are planning on coming who want to share in our happiness to celebrate our second child's first year!

Calvin has been such a good baby. I have been very thankful for his laid back disposition and sweet personality.

Having a second child has taught me many things. I of course have learned to perfect the art of multi-tasking but more importantly really enjoying the amazing gift that all children are. My first child I was so worried all the time about the small details. I still struggle with the worry like any mother but I've made a lot of progress on letting the "small" things go and not let them take my mind hostage. Anyone who has multiple children can testify how different their children are. Seeing that first hand in my own family has been such a fun and exciting thing. Calvin started crawling at such a young age (5 months). Started pulling himself up at 6 months. Started trying to walk at 7 months and took his first steps shortly thereafter. Was taking 3 to 4 steps at a time at 8 months and at 9 months was walking easily. His older brother was also an early developer but was about a month and a half behind the progression his brother was making. With all that we have experienced with having two children just has inspired me and empowered me to want to have more. I'm not sure how many we will have for sure because following God's will for our lives is ultimately our first priority.

Not one day goes by that I don't praise the Lord for my children. Amongst all the "disciplinary" issues, meal challenges, and all the complexities included with being a parent I could not of asked God for a better gift than marrrying my husband and becoming a Mother to these two little boys.

Thank you Lord for my baby Calvin. Who is no longer a baby. But now, a true toddler.

We are grateful for each year you give us to be together as a family.

4/28/10 - A new journey

I recently took a trip back home to Omaha, Nebraska for a Mommy-away weekend. I was very scared and nervous about leaving my children whom I have never been away from for any large amount of time over the past 3 years. My oldest son when he was 4 months I did leave with my sister-in-law when my husband took me on a birthday surprise trip to New York City. We were apart 2 days. Other than that, I have never left my children for more than a few hours at a time here and there. Even at that it is infrequent and short.

Thankfully, everyone stayed healthy and happy while I was away. A huge prayer request I had to the Lord before leaving and while gone. Fortunately, the kids did great under Sean's care as I had hoped and expected. Sean is a great Father to our children and I feel so enormously blessed to God for such a great man to be married too. Unfortunately, Sean himself did get sick while I was gone. He was trying so hard to keep up with the cleaning, laundry, and everyday activities that it caught up with his immune system. I feel so grateful to him for allowing me the opportunity to leave but more importantly to love me so much to give me a spic and span home to come home too. What an amazing feeling to walk through the door and see the house better than how I left it. I think he is in for a big wake up call though now that I see what he is capable of!! (Ha ha ha!)

My stay in Nebraska for the most part was a very good one. I was able to reconnect with my family whom I had not been able to visit in a year and a half. Seeing my nephew's newest daughter for the first time was such a blessing. She is such a well-behaved baby and I enjoyed thoroughly getting to meet her in person. Spending time with my other young niece and nephews was also very nice. All kids grow up fast whether they are mine or my nephews. It was such a blessing to be able to "be" present in their lives even if it was a short time.

Another blessing was found in spending some quality time with my two best friends Jill and Holly. Getting to listen to all that they are doing and are learning was so refreshing. How I miss spending time with them! Laughing, crying and giggling with them again made me so excited once again that I am so privileged to get to be in their lives.

On another different note while home I was able to share a very intimate and important aspect of a journey in my life I had decided a few months ago to embark on. Responses to this update were very diverse. Some were supportive and others weren't. However, all the while I have not been altered from my pursuit of this new journey.

Some of you may know or not know that I am adopted. I recently had to reapply for my naturalization certificate because I had misplaced the original through all my moves etc. In doing so, I was asked to provide proof of the adoption and all the documentation I had of my previous life in Korea and how I came to live in the United States. As I sifted through all the documents and read them with enjoyment of considering what my life could of been had I been meant to stay in South Korea. As I read through my health certificate completed in Korea prior to my departure to the United States I saw that it included the name of my biological Father. Suddenly, I realized that an immense peace and power had come over me giving me the motivation to once and for all pursue finding this man and possibly meeting him. Being adopted internationally pretty much means I have other information other than what was provided on the health certificate documentating how I came to be put up for adoption. The circumstances surrounding it was pretty much all that I was given. I would like to know my biological family's medical history as now it also affects my children. Knowing heart disease, allergies, cancer and or any other health problems that they could encounter is a very high priority for me to find out now. Both my children are healthy and I am incredibly grateful for this but I believe it important to know for the future as well as any other children we may decide to have. I also am very curious to know if I resemble my biological family and/or if I have any other living relatives that I could get pictures of to research this.

I have a lot ahead of me in this new journey but I am hopeful knowing that I am opening a whole new can of worms that may or may not be full of good or bad things. Either way, I'm willing to accept whatever consequences that may follow with this endeavor. I encourage you to consider to follow me on this adventure as I begin a new blog dedicated only to my pursuit of my biological Father. I am hoping that in doing this to share it one day with my children and maybe I can inspire others out there to consider adoption or even provide that added courage to take this step of faith to do something they never thought they would ever realistically follow through with. That's how I feel at least.

In the meantime, let me make it very clear that I am not doing this with any other intention than what I have shared. I have no void to fill in this area. I consider my real parents the ones who adopted, loved and cared for me. Those two angels in heaven are the people that I identify family with and I will never change that. I have no identity problems when it comes to this aspect of my life. Some that are adopted feel abandoned or resentful of their past life circumstances. However, for me I can not relate to those feelings or perspectives because I had a wonderful and blessed life full of love. No one could of given me a better life than what I was provided through my Mom and Dad. My only regret in life with this decision is that I didn't do it sooner. My husband being the amazing man that he is is so supportive and excited for me to take brave steps down this road.

Only God knows what waits for me and I thank Him for that. Knowing that I am not walking alone and having His presence with me gives me such peace and understanding.

God bless you all wherever you are or whatever paths you are walking down or considering taking!

4/1/10 - Weeds........

I was taking the time today to weed out in front of our house this afternoon. As I bent over plucking these nasty things out of our rock landscaping I was considering how truly metaphoric weeds are in life. First of all, they are unwanted and inconvenient happenings to our yards/gardens/everywhere. Just like our own lives we have so many things about ourselves that we would love to change (thus unwanted) and life circumstances that come into our lives that are truly inconvenient. The interesting aspect of it all is that those things are rooted into the very deep soil of ourselves. In order to take them out we have to pull them from the roots or else they'll grow back like they always do. So being intentional and focused the start of this catalystic change begins by pulling from the root to get it out and hopefully, keep it out.

In my own life I definitely have my fair share (or more) weeds. I would like to say that I'm starting on the roots to pull them out and put the effort to keep them out but the truth is I struggle with falling back into bad habits.

Lately, I have been really trying to focus on remembering that all that I do does not require anything in return. No applause, no cheering, no thank yous, nothing, just that I am doing it to serve and love my family. Gary Thomas who wrote the book "Sacred Marriage" said in his teaching DVD that "God sees what we do and He always appreciates it." That hit me hard because sometimes as a stay-at-home Mom I can at times feel a little down because the work I do everyday isn't life-changing. If the laundry doesn't get done by me, someone else can do it. If the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded, someone else will get to it. I'm not anymore special than the next person because I vacumned and dusted today. However, when I consider that all that I do, I do because I love my family and would do anything to help them. God sees my hard work, my sweat, my tears, and appreciates how I'm doing it and why I'm doing it. Since hearing this it has confirmed me in so many ways. Such a simple principle but very impacting for my life.

I have a lot of other weeds that source themselves inside of my struggle of being selfish. Not sure if ever I'll truly overcome this area of weakness anytime soon or if at all. However, I am trying and seek each day to ask God to help me become less of myself and more like Him daily.

The weeding inside this girl has a long way to go. No matter how long it takes I'm going to keep trying and working on it!

Have a great day everyone!
Best wishes for a wonderful and memorable Easter weekend with your loved ones!

Just as Jesus is the reason for the Christmas season. He is the reason why we have hope. Hosanna, Hosanna He has risen!!

3/29/10 - Severe repetition...

Do you ever feel like its the movie Groundhog's Day? I know we all have repetition in our lives. Daily we get up, brush our teeth, shower, etc. etc. As a Mom the constantcy of repetitiousness could cause a little insanity at times.

I think I have scrubbed my kitchen floor about 4 times in the last 3 days. The number of times juice, food, or other substances getting spilled on our tile floor is too many to count on certain days. I am thankful for the ability to clean it up and to make our home as organized as possible. Sometimes, there just isn't enough time in the day. I used to get so overwhelmed by all the work that I would just curl up in a fetal position and take a nap to forget all the messes and exhaustive cleaning that needed to be done around the house. Now, I try to chip away at it each day. The part that gets me everytime is that you take the initiative to clean it, get it exactly the way you want it only to do it all over again a few days later. There is a line in the Disney movie The Incredibles that always comes to mind when I contemplate this very truth. Mr. Incredible says, "I just want the world to just stay saved. I save the day and then I turn around and it needs saving again! I start to think, "I just saved it, it needs it again?" Ok, that isn't verbatim for those of you movie buffs but its paraphrased to meet my point. I think if I ever were to wish for anything I would ask God to help my house stay clean after I clean it. I would put in the hard work and then just bask in all its glory forever and ever! :)

I think all in all its just the way of the world to clean something, have to use it/it gets dirty, you clean it up again.

Severe repetition. Its the life of any Mom. For this stay-at-home Mom sometimes its just the name of my game. Hopefully, someday I'll get really good at it. :)

Dear Lord, please give me the strength, wisdom, and perseverence I need to keep the home that you gave to me and my family as well kept as possible. For all the laundry, vacumning, dusting, washing, scrubbing, disinfecting, sweeping, carpet cleaning, and everything else required please help me to do it and do it with the best of my ability as often as I can.

Amen.

Everyone have a wonderful week!

3/26/10 - Putting it off no longer...

So, lets just say my laundry room was in a pretty bad state. I won't go into detail because I am very embarassed to say what exactly I had put off doing and cleaning. The good news is that it didn't take long to organize a few things, scrub the floor, and dust. The nice thing is, is now when we walk in from the garage to the house we won't be stepping on or around anything anymore. I have been meaning to get to that for awhile now but unfortunately, other things had been calling my name this week.

I had also needed to clean and organize my master bedroom. For some reason, I have a horrible time keeping it together in our room. I think in part its my "haven". The one place I get to consider my "resting" area. So, cleaning my "resting" area isn't ever ideal. It wasn't gross or had anything detestable in there - other than dust. Which I took care of yesterday. But when you don't put something away right after your done with it, things get a little disorganized. I was writing my brother an e-mail today stating how I wish and dream of a celebrity organizer to come to my house and show me how to store and organize our "stuff" in a way that is asthetically pleasing and "logically" placed. When we go to San Diego I absolutely adore going to the Container Store. If you have never been you need to go to their website immediately. They own a label named ELFA that is a storage and organized base for every room in your home. Sean actually gave in when we went there and had an open mind. He spent over an hour checking out the design area for garages and got some great stuff to help keep "part" of our garage organized. That also is a work in progress. :) I think the next time we get a chance to go to San Diego I am going to have to plan just a whole afternoon of me going there to talk to a design expert on closet, pantry and children's play room and closets so that I can be better prepared for when we move to another house. That is the worst thing sometimes about being a military spouse. Until we retire we are going to be "temporarily" living everywhere. So, we can't truly "invest" permanently in certain things because its just not realistic to be able to bring that everywhere you go or for it to stay in good condition when you install and un-install this specific equipment.

I am thankful that I was able to get the kitchen cleaned, supper prepared, my laundry room cleaned/organized, and now I am done typing so I press on and hit my closet.

In all honesty, I wouldn't mind taking a whole day to just clean and organize. No interruptions, just like an 8/9 hour work day that I used to do before kids. Maybe sometime soon in the future, I can somehow schedule this to make it happen so I can make life a lot more manageable and organized for our family.

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you have a great weekend!

3/25/10 - How I got my energy back!

Funny how much being healthier gives you more energy. Before I got pregnant with Calvin I was frequently complaining of lack of energy and constant fatigue. I thought I might have a thyroid problem or worse. I wasn't eating super healthy and I definitely wasn't exercising regularly. The good news was is that I wasn't overweight but I wasn't toned either.

As I woke up early this morning I jumped out of bed and instantly started to get ready to go to the gym. I would of been on time but my baby boy decided to sleep in this morning. I don't like waking any of my children up for any reason. So, I let him sleep and I was only 5 or 6 minutes late to my gym class. I really enjoying going to the gym classes because they give me the direction and motivation to keep going. Knowing that these lessons were created to work and tone as many muscles as possible also gives me peace of mind knowing I'm doing the right things.

Having low back problems my Dr. suggested that strengthening my core muscles would definitely improve his treatments. I have seen a big difference in my low back pain and also am able to do a lot more difficult levels of exercise than before. I remember going to a cardio challenge class and jump roping for the first time in years. This was almost three months (or more) ago and I seriously was winded after just seconds of jump roping. How embarassing! Now, I push myself and can jump rope fast and don't get winded anymore. There is one exercise that my instructor calls the bunny hop that is so hard. You are to squat down and by using the force in your arms to jump with both feet at the same time in seating position go forward. It doesn't sound hard but it is. My husband is 6'2'' and so his legs are much longer than mine so you would think it super easy for him. No. He agrees that it is very hard and super exhausting.

Tomorrow is my cardio challenge class and my goal is to be the best bunny hopper in the class. Not necessarily that I'll finish first because fast isn't necessarily always best. Being thorough and doing the exercise effectively means sometimes going a little slower so you can get the most out of it for your body.

I have seen several inches off my waistline and at least 4 pounds off the scale. I'm still nursing so I think the last of my pounds that I am wanting to lose will come off once I stop nursing. I lost 5 pounds when Clayton stopped nursing almost immediately but I weighed more than I do now. I have about 4 more pounds to lose to get to my goal weight and after I reach it I'll just focus on toning.

I'm not sure if any of you are lacking in energy or feel exhausted all the time but I really encourage you to consider working out. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop there eating right is a huge part of being healthy. I would start small and then feel accomplished in the successes you can have early on in the change. When I give myself hard and overwhelming goals regarding something I really struggle with I almost always fail and get discouraged. So, I have turned a new leaf and decided to focus on what I can push myself to do and get so excited that I push forward to a more challenging adventure.

I look forward to the next time I'm pregnant because my goal is to look like a fitness model who looks like its just belly. People told me that last time when I was pregnant with Calvin that I looked like it was just baby. I knew better and so did my "clothes". By keeping consistent and continually going to the gym all throughout my next pregnancy I am hoping that not only "me" being healthier will make a difference for my post-baby body but also with my energy level so I can be the best Mom I can be.

Hope your week has gone well!

3/24/10 - Park, Picnic, Farmers Market Fun!

Everytime I go to my Dr.'s office on Wednesdays I always drive by this park that has a Farmers Market. It is placed right beside a children's play park so it is an ideal location for a Mom to bring her kids to play and get to visit the Farmers market after.

This morning I decided that we were going to make it to the park.

After my Dr.'s office I took the kids to the park and the boys had so much fun. The one unfortunate thing was a 5 or 6 year old girl who was also there who wanted to join our little group. She kept telling on Clayton, giving me updates on what he was doing, where he was, and I have to say it was very irritating. These types of kids usually are only-children and/or very lonely so I tried my best to be nice. After almost an hour of her bossing around Clayton, even pushing him once or twice, and constantly yelling at him I had to tell her that was enough and to please play away from him. Her grandmother was there with her but just sat at a picnic table observing. I kept thinking, she is going to intervene and tell her granddaughter that is not appropriate behavior or just to be nice and play. Nope, nothing was ever said. I tried to just ignore her but until they finally left a few minutes later did the situation resolve itself.


Once, Clayton had run around and played we decided to eat our lunch and were pleasantly surprised that Sean was able to join us. He has only been home from his business trip for a few days so it was nice to have a family moment. Like always, Clayton ate in small increments and kept leaving to go play. While Calvin ate quietly and very contently. This is every meal's routine. One eats with a focus and determination while the other is bored and very unimpressed. Funny, I wonder how long this will last.

Before leaving I got to check out the few vendors that had already set up as I had not known it didn't start until 1:00/2:00. We were leaving around 1:00 so there were quite a few of them that hadn't shown up yet. But, there were still enough there that I was able to pick up some very sweet, juicy oranges, fresh vegetables (artichokes, asparagus) and beautiful strawberries! I look forward to doing this again and until the hot weather finally arrives and decides to stay we will be enjoying an excursion like this as often as I am able.

Since I have been trying to eat healthier and try new ways of cooking/recipes Farmer's markets intrigue me for sure. The best part was watching Clayton ask for a sample of the oranges. He took one bite and asked us for more. So I bought a bag and peeled a huge one for him. Before we even left the parking lot he had it all ate. Then, as I was going to pull out of the parking lot, he asked me for more. So I peeled a second one. He ate that one before we got home. Does my heart good to see him enjoying fruit like that. I know that as a little kid I was very much like this as well. It was a great experience and I look forward to more Farmer's market, park, picnic fun!

Have an awesome wednesday!

3/23/10 - Drama day...

Well, today was another regular Tuesday at my house. I went to my women's Bible Study and thankfully, I wasn't very late but I wasn't early either. I got to the group and we observed a preparatory service for Easter with prayer and scripture reading. It was very quiet and very low key. I enjoyed the scripture and prayer but have to admit as a Mother of two young kids I was already tired so having the lights low, quietyly read scripture, and a lot of silent prayer I had to fight not closing my eyes and getting a few zzz's.

When we finally got to the discussion we had a few interesting subjects of conversation and I definitely felt like there was a lot of overwhelming information that we were all sharing with each other. The study was great and a wonderful lesson on marriage. We are currently doing a study entitled Sacred Marriage. It is so interesting and although the actual foundational principles aren't complicated I still feel like they are so inspiring and challenging. Sometimes, it is the simplest of lessons that teaches you the most important principles.

After leaving, my oldest son decided to have a meltdown on the way home. So instead of stopping and letting him play at the McDonald's play area we went straight home. He was tired and was definitey showing his "not-so nice" colors. After feeding him and his brother some lunch I put him down for a nap. The attempt at a nap started at 1:00 and did not successfully happen until 4:00. I had to go in there 3 or 4 times before he was willing to break down and get the rest he needed. In his defense though, 2 of the 4 times I went in there he pooped in the potty once and peed the other time. So, I can't fault him for that and that is why I did not discipline him either of these times. Just put him back in his bed and told him to lay down. The last two times I have to say I had to discipline him. For some reason, my strong-willed child feels like its just a suggestion if I don't show him the seriousness of the situation. I'm trying so desperately to teach him each day how to obey with out me having to yell, threaten spankings, and/or having to spank or discipline. I realize that if I have more patience with him it might help. I have seen a difference but also, with him getting older he is learning how to push the envelope and so it is a constant everyday challenge for which I need to be on my toes to be as intentional about his parenting.

After this drama of the morning and afternoon. I decided I would take it easy on myself today and allowed myself to rest a little before pushing on to the evening. Little did I know I would wake up feeling worse rather than better. I try not to take naps during the day because there is so much to be done and a lot of times I don't feel more rested after it. The evening unfolded and definitely the drama continued in my house.

It wasn't until 11pm that I finally was able to take a deep breath and have some much needed peace that I didn't have all day.

It is days like this that make you appreciate the days that "nothing" happens and its actually maybe a little boring.

I'm glad I survived and that many lessons were learned by myself and maybe even a little for my son as well.

So thankful drama day has come and gone. I will be praying that this one counts for my quota for a few months. Or longer if possible.

Hope everyone else had a better and more beautiful Tuesday!

3/22/10 - Wowwee Clayton's 3!!

What a weekend! So busy and so much fun. We had a birthday party for Clayton on Saturday. I had a very complicated week having my husband gone on a TDY (temporary duty) and having gotten a clogged milk duct on Tuesday through Wednesday. Trying to get all the cleaning, shopping and cooking done was a very good challenge for me to juggle my everyday responsibilities on top of all the party preparations. No matter what happened the week prior the day was an absolute blast and I could not have been more thankful for all who came to help us celebrate.

The bounce house came a day early because of a over-scheduled weekend by the company we rented it from. So Clayton had a preview of what was to come on Saturday. He enjoyed the jumping more than he did last year and I can't believe how much he has grown up since last year.

They delivered the cotton candy machine the night before also. So, I was able to get a lesson on how to work it. Still with the lesson I didn't do it very well but the good news is, is that even if it wasn't pretty, it worked and the kids loved it! :)

I had bought a pinata for Clayton and the kids which was also a big "hit". Clayton even got to open presents while the kids were here this year. Last year, we forgot and ran out of time. I promised myself this year to keep a schedule. I wanted to make sure that we got to do all the things I had planned. We played a game that my friend Jodie who is from England taught me how to play. Its called pass the parcel. A great way to get the kids involved and help the person who "wins" the game feel special by getting to have a present themselves.

The cake was beautiful. So excited that it turned out so good. I had fears that they lost my order and/or that it wasn't very good but Clayton saw it and immediately said, "whoa!" Its funny because he started to call the cake "birthday" instead of "cake". He loved the singing part just like he did last year.

It was such a beautiful day and we felt so blessed by all the successes of the day that we had planned for our little Clayton.

I had woke up at 4am that morning to start the cooking because some things just aren't as good cooked the day before. So 3/4 of what I had made I cooked the day of. Someday Clayton is going to understand truly how much work I put into his parties and that its another way for me to show him how much I love him. Until then, seeing a smile on his face, he enjoying a "free-for" all sugar day, and getting to laugh and play with all the kids who came to celebrate with him is thanks enough.

I will post pictures soon. :)

Hope you all had a great weekend!

3/18/10 - Yes, I'm feeling so much better!!

Wow! What a difference 24 hours makes! Today I woke up and I lay awake looking up at the ceiling with a smile. I was praising the Lord and thanking him over and over for helping me feel better. I couldn't have been given more motivation to work hard today and get a lot done. Including spending more quality time with my kids. It was great to feed Clayton a good breakfast, and nurse Calvin with out excruciating pain. I got to clean a lot and got a ton of stuff on my list for yesterday accomplished here and there when the kids' schedule allowed me too.

I even got to my Dr. appointment that allowed me to get adjusted for the long weekend ahead. This thanks to my great friend Jodie who offerred to help me while Sean was gone. Her support and encouragement this past week has been so uplifting and energizing. Just having the short trip back and forth to the Dr gave me a great break throughout today that relieved a great amount of stress. I could not be more grateful to her for her willingness to inconvenience herself in order to help me out.

I look forward to tomorrow because having this party looming over my shoulder has been a little daunting having no husband around. If he were here I know I wouldn't be stressing so much because I truly enjoy hosting events at our home. My mother instilled in me the desire to host as I watched her growing up. I can't count how many times I had to clean on a weekend because my Mom told me that "we were having company". Oh, how I hated "company" growing up because this was not a "fun" thing to do on a weekend for a kid. I am grateful however, for my Mother teaching me the importance of teaming up as a family to help the overall goal of serving others through hospitality.

I know I could of done a Chuck E Cheese party or have it at another venue. However, I think in my mind what would Clayton most enjoy? What would given him the most happiness? In the end, as I considered this I knew the answer was a party here. He loves being home and loves even more when we have "company". Whenever people come over you should see the look on his face. It is priceless. On another note, he then proceeds to show off and talk a million times too fast. People who come over here can tell how much he appreciates them being here because all he can do is jump off the walls with energy. My son has a lot of energy but when people are here it multiplies time and time again. So, I knew that he would love this. Plus, last year we had his party here and I just kept thinking how amazing it was to see his face throughout the afternoon. How much fun he was having. Looking at at face just gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling I'll never forget. It was my "first" Mom-organized birthday party as he turned 2 and for his 1st birthday we were in Florida with no family/friends on a TDY for Sean's preparations to come to Vegas to work.

We look forward to everyone coming on Saturday. I feel like its Christmas again because I can not wait to see his face with the bounce castle, and to see him enjoy the cotton candy machine. I'm going to plan a few games for him to play with the kids as this year being 3 he can really understand what's happening. He's been to a few parties since and the whole cake and candle part is always so intriguing for him. He loved being sung to last year too so I'm so excited!! Its better than "my" birthday times a billion!!! I guess that's what is so awesome about becoming a parent is that transition from it's about "my" birthday to "what can we do that's awesome for our kids" birthdays!!

I will plan on posting a lot of fun pictures. Including, his transformer cake that I am praying turns out great. Also, I got Sean a Optimus Prime costume that I am hoping Clayton gets a kick out of. :) The really cute thing is, is that Sean isn't hating the idea of dressing up. Even wants to use it as his Halloween costume this year. Hee hee. So cute.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

I am taking a deep breath as I start my food prep tomorrow.

I spent an hour to organize my list to prevent day of stress!! :)

That is my goal. Prevention of stress. So that on Saturday I can enjoy my son celebrating his birthday and of course spend time with all our wonderful guests that have blessed us by wanting to come over.

3/17/10 - Being a sick Mommy = very long day

Last night before I went to bed I felt pretty awful. Little did I know what was ahead of me. I tossed and turned coughing which has been a very "normal" routine for me unfortunately due to the cold I've been struggling with. However, this evening was very different. I had chills and sweats. My head felt like it weighed a million pounds. My left side (woman part) was sore like I've never felt before and I could feel a good sized bump. I looked it up on-line and sure enough it was a clogged duct. I will never ever want to experience that again. Its a full-fledged sickness caused by nursing. Granted, it's not actually caused by the act of actually nursing but if I wasn't nursing it would have happened. So, it is soon that I know I will be weaning my son. I know this may sound selfish on my part. However, it is the opposite. He has been eating solid foods now for almost 2 months now and prefers them over any form of feeding. I know he enjoys spending that time with me however, he doesn't stay focused when doing it and is easily distracted away from it telling me that he is not getting his primary calories or hunger met through this.

My husband has been gone all week and does not return until late tomorrow. I have been trying to prepare for my oldest son's birthday party on Saturday. Having no help and little time to allow me to get a lot done has meant long days. Being sick today was probably the biggest downer I've had in awhile. Not only when you are sick do you want empathy and support but you "need" help. I had none. Okay, so my husband called me and said he felt bad that I was sick. I had friends facebook me telling me they hoped I would feel better soon. All this was nice and definitely encouraging. Nothing, can take the place though of someone being here with you and helping you physically. I think all Moms reading this can attest that if they have been sick and had no help is a very painful experience. I had a few moments where I literally was laying on the couch hearing my children do things and I could not lift my head off the pillow. I have not experienced feeling this way in so long. I felt like if I was walking around too much I would pass out. So, I had to trade the feeling of knowing exactly what my children are doing every second of the day versus passing out and having to call and ambulance. I know this sounds extreme but that is literally how I felt.

I just hope that the next time I feel like that, that Sean can be home to help me.

The blessing, is that at supper time I was able to put together a meal for my boys. Clean it up and take care of them for the rest of the evening after failing in the morning to be the Mom they needed me to be. I got through a very rough day and I couldn't of been more thankful to God for helping me do so.

I realize that a little experience of sickness is nothing compared to many who are struggling out there with life-threatening issues/diseases/medical conditions. I am not by any means comparing my illness with them or those situations. I tried to keep in perspective throughout the day how much worse it could be. It is more than difficult to remain emotionally balanced when you are sick but I attempted it. All in all the whole day came and went and I couldn't be more glad to put it behind me.

Tomorrow is a new day and I pray so hard that I am able to be a better Mom than I was today and feel good.

That is my fervent prayer and my greatest hope.

Health truly is wealth.

God bless you all and I hope and pray you are all feeling well!

3/16/10 - My dearest Clayton...

To my dearest son Clayton.

From the moment you were born you were always keeping your Dad and I on our toes. You were always hungry and very active. You learned to climb stairs before you learned how to crawl. You started walking at 10 1/2 months teaching your Dad and I the real art of learning how to run after a toddler. Everyone who meets you always loves you. They laugh at your little dances and never ending conversations in your "own" little language that only "you" understand. For some reason you always have enjoyed playing with kids older than you. Making it sad for those that are your age or younger because they wanted to play with you too. Your Father and I can always get a good laugh out of watching or listening to you. And sometimes we both cry for all the ways you are refining us as parents.

The laughter you share can always bring a smile to anyone's face.

As your first year came and went we learned quickly that you are a boy with "no fear". This can be a great quality because it means you are brave and have a lot of courage. However, at times it causes your Dad and I to fear for all that you may encounter because of this bravery. Running away from us or trying to hide in stores or places thinking it a funny games makes our hearts race and our minds worry. All the words you have learned and the interesting personality that you continually develop has us always amazed.

After your second birthday we welcomed your little brother into this world and were worried that you would not "welcome" him yourself. We were completely wrong and were in awe as we saw you hold him and cuddle him with such love and admiration. You have not always enjoyed the many responsibilities and changes that have come with being a big brother but you daily remind me of how serious you take your role in this family. Learning to share and be kind is not something that any one can do perfectly all the time but I see you trying and I thank God for all the progress you have made in such a short amount of time. It is not easy having your whole life change and turn upside down because of a little baby but you have done it in stride and with great integrity for how young you are. I look forward to the close relationship I pray you and your brother have as you grow up together. I ask God to create a strong bond of friendship that will help encourage you as you soon realize how difficult this world can be.

Your third birthday is just days away and I am completely taken back by how fast it has gone by. I struggle daily with learning how to mold and train you in the best way I can to know how to be a "good" little boy. God gave you a strong-will much like myself which causes a lot of conflict in my attempts to teach you how to listen, obey and have as good as behavior as possible for someone your age. I want you to know how much I love you. How much I would give to ensure that what I'm doing today is the absolute best possible Mothering I am capable of giving to you. From the moment I became pregnant with you I was on my knees thanking God for giving me "you". I don't take you for granted one bit. Although, there are days were I am exhausted from trying to remain the "respected" and "obeyed" parent that I need you to see. I would never trade you for a million "non-strong-willed" children. You are so special and valuable a treasure to your Father and I. I hope you always know how important you are and how precious that we have always felt your life is. I pray someday with all my heart that you will become the man that God has created you to be. That you will ask Jesus to come into your life to be your Lord and Savior. To develop a strong and devoted relationship with Him that can never be duplicated anywhere in your life. I pray for your future spouse that she be a woman of God that is faithful and committed to living her life first for Him and then to you and your family. It would be my greatest honor to watch you grow up and get married and have a family. I do not know what the future holds but I do know who holds the future. He is a faithful and just God that works all things to the good of those who love Him. So no matter what the next year brings and whatever road that life takes us down. Please know how proud of you I am. How much you mean to me. The gift I see you are to our family. And how much I pray the absolute best for your life and future.

I also ask, that you please try hard to listen to me and sit down when we eat. Always remember how important nap time is and how much better it makes you feel afterward. And again, always try to listen to me. :)



**
I wrote this today for my son in the plan someday to read it to him when he is older and capable of understanding all I have written to him.

Maybe take some time today to write something about your children or a loved one that they would love to read or hear. Its always such a blessed thing to do to remember a special time or memory.

**


Have a blessed Tuesday!

3/15/10 - Tackling Monday instead of being blindsided!

As I started today I was very surprised to see I had slept in til 8:30. I don't remember the last time I slept that late. A year ago it was a normalcy for me as my son Clayton enjoys sleeping in (or used too) and since he is a night owl it was a requirement for him to be able to get enough sleep.

I had woke up early on Sunday due to my husband's departure chaos and with the mixture of sickness and daylight savings time I guess my body was wiped.

Even though I felt rested I still felt like I could of slept for several more hours. Nonetheless, my kids needed their Mom so up I went and started our day. Calvin and Clayton have been waking up together now so I have to juggle trying to feed Clayton breakfast while nursing my youngest Calvin. I have to admit that he didn't have the most "nutricious" breakfast so it may be my fault for his naughty behavior "pre-nap" time.

I pushed through enough to finally "make" something for the boys to eat after Calvin was happy enough to play by my feet while I baked some cinnamon muffins for them. Calvin "loves" baked goods. He is going to be my "carbs" boy. He and I will have this common bond of both being lovers of "bread" and the like!

After they ate till their tummies were full we headed outside to enjoy the last remnants of Las Vegas spring. Its supposed to get close to 70 today and by the end of the week be closer to 80. For those of you who have never visited Las Vegas you must be told that the sun here is much stronger than the midwest and other eastern areas of the U.S. So 80 degrees here feels closer to high 80's to early 90's depending on the time of the day.

My son Clayton's birthday is on Saturday and I am trying to get the house ready for company. I love planning my son's birthday parties! Its such an amazing feeling to put all this work into something and see his face as he runs around with the other children laughing and playing. It brings me such joy and fulfillment knowing that all my hard work was "so" worth it! So, as I prepare for this party on Saturday I have a lot on my plate having my spouse gone all week until Saturday morning. The cleaning, the cooking and shopping is all "on" me. I'm trying hard to tackle these duties and not feel overwhelmed. I know deep down the earlier I do the hard things in the week as my exhaustion kicks in at the end of the week.

I am praying as each day passes that my sickness will disappear making it a little easier to stay motivated.

I have done a lot of laundry today, cleaned the kitchen and put away a lot of odds and ends around the house. Tomorrow, I plan on doing my hard stuff. The bathrooms, the floors, the carpets, etc. which are my biggest challenges. I hope that I can keep my energy level up and stay positive so that by the time Saturday comes I'm not stressed, but really prepared!!

I can only pray!

Here's to birthday parties!!
Hope you all have a wonderful rest of your Monday!!!

3/13/10 Green Zone - Great Movie on my Mommy Hookie Day off

Yesterday, I was so blessed to get an opportunity to spend some time with a great friend of mine Jodie. It is wonderful to get to spend time with her because her experience here in Las Vegas is so similar to mine. Both choronologically and experientially as well. She moved here from England with her family a few weeks after my husband and I moved here. This is her first move away from her "homeland" and so we have a lot in common. We met in the Temporary Housing so we also dealt with the challenges and frustrations of living in a one bedroom studio apartment for several weeks with a family.

We enjoy spending time together so it was nice to get an opportunity to hang out yesterday. We haven't gotten a chance to do so in a long time so we had a lot of catching up to do.

She was very flexible and accomodating so I was able to get a lot done and have a lot of fun. Ate some lunch, ran a lot of shopping errands, and even got to see a movie.

The movie we ended up seeing was GREEN ZONE with Matt Damon. Wasn't the planned movie but with the time we had available due to the fact everything I was doing took way too long we decided to see this one. I wasn't too disappointed as a lot of people said it was a great movie.

It was such a great movie for so many reasons. It had a lot of "cliffhanger" moments and Jodie probably thought I was going to have a siezure or something because I could not sit still. I can't stand "not knowing" and I have something in mind I want to happen so when it doesn't I of course get nervous. This movie of course is a military based plot taking place during the Iraqi war. This movie hits close to home as my husband was deployed much of the time we were over there. Some of it thankfully, was before we were a couple. I was impacted by all the difference strategies and government conspiracies. The plot challenged the reasons and bad intentions when it came to invading Iraq looking for those weapons of mass destruction.

I enjoyed the movie quite a bit because it showed the very humanistic side of the Iraqi people. Showing a side to that part of the country that the masses here in America don't get to see. My young nephew served several months over there during this conflict and came back with many pictures of the Iraqi people welcoming them with open arms. If there was a real strong point in this movie it was this aspect. Granted it wasn't for lengthy periods of time because it was an action movie so a lot of guns, violence and blood. However, there are glimpses of this reality and I was very grateful that the director allowed this in the edit. People sometimes only believe what they see on tv, hear on the radio or read in a magazine. The media is a powerful source of influence in this world and sometimes its just nice when its used to "help" support our troops who are serving overseas and domestically rather than oppose even though they "say" they support. I have a loud and clear message for those liberals controlling the medias content that gets fed to us. You can not say in one side of your mouth, "we shouldn't be over there!" and the other side say, "but we support our troops." Its impossible.

I'm just saying......

Sorry, but this movie obviously hits home because now that I'm married to one of those troops makes it more real.

Have a great week everyone!
And if you get a chance to get out and enjoy yourself with a movie. Consider this one! You might like it as much as I did!

3/8/10 - (written 3/12/10) - Dominos Vegetarian Pizza what?

Ok, so I broke down and tried something I didn't think I'd like.
Something I preach often to my husband when I want to try more "complicated" dishes is "if you have never tried it how do you know you don't like it?"

So, I tried something I love, "pizza" in a healthier form.

And the amazing and surprising result?

I loved it.

I like vegetables though. So, if you don't enjoy veggies as a normal everyday side dish with your meal, you may not want to try this.

However, I really encourage all to give this new pie a try!

Dominos commercials saying they have revamped their pizza, well, I'll be the first to say, "yes, yes they have." The wonderful result is that its a great way to eat pizza without all the loaded grease and fat you get from pepperoni (my favorite), sausage and the like.

Give it try!

You never know, you might like it, or even love it? Like I do!!

3/9/10 - (written 3/12/10) Yeah for making it to Bible Study!

Wasn't quite sure if my baby boy was going to feel good enough to go to church this morning but when he woke up I was pleasantly surprised to see him happy and energetic.

I constantly question myself for some reason when it comes to knowing what is the right thing to do when it comes to my children. I am learning to seek more confidence from asking God to help provide me with the wisdom and clarity in my parenting skills. Knowing what I'm doing is coming from what I know of Him and His word should allow me to have more of an identity consistent of Him and less of myself.

Going to church today I was so thankful because we began a new study called Sacred Marriage.
It has so far been a very intriguing and interesting study for us women. I enjoy learning more about how God sees marriage, and what His expectations and hopes for me are for marriage. Digging deeper into scripture to understand this and looking at being a wife in a more "servant-hearted" manner in the way that Jesus came to serve us.

The discussion questions were great and I look forward to what God can teach me through this study as the upcoming weeks continue.

I've only been married now for 4 years in May. Its been a very good and challenging learning experience. The crazy thing is, is I have learned more about my own "flaws" than I have anything else. This may sound a little bizarre but as the author of Sacred Marriage shared through the study today, "you want to learn about how much of a sinner you are, get married." We are such selfish creatures and that is for the most part where a lot of conflict begins. Thinking of "self" first instead of being "self-less". This is something I definitely need to do more of and learn more about. I struggle so much with "head" knowledge but not necessarily transferring that into my "heart" knowledge. Meaning, actually, "doing" all that I "know" is right.

So, as I proceed with this study I can not thank God enough for allowing me to get to church today and for being able to participate in this study.

If you are married or want to be married someday this is a great study. Look on Amazon.com and check it out! Seriously, some great food for thought!!

I love the group I am in and have thorougly enjoyed getting to know each and everyone in my small group. They are some great gals! I am truly blessed!!

Hope you all enjoy your Tuesday!!

3/10/10 - (written 3/12/10) - Like a flash....crazy week

This week is flying by.
There are days that are so busy and stressful that the hours pass by like seconds. You go to write a check or put the date on some piece of paper and you literally have to look at your phone or ask someone what day of the week it is. That's the kind of week we're having here.

I'm learning about the sickness family relay race for the first time. We have been very blessed that since Calvin has been born that we really haven't had a lot of illness in our home. There could be many reasons surrounding this but either way we are grateful for our health. Calvin last week started the sickness merry-go-round and it passed from him to Clayton, to me and hopefully Sean doesn't get it. I have a lot of friends and family with multiple children and I know how tough it has gotten at their house when the sickness goes from person to person. Now, that I have experienced it, I can empathize more than ever!

Thankfully, as of today it has gotten better for us all, except I'm the most sick of all 3 of us.

Hoping tomorrow is better and that with God's help I can make it through.
As we all know there is no rest for the Mothers.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

3/11/10 - (Written 3/12/10) - Healthy is wealthy!

Its been an interesting few days around here.

My youngest son as of last week had a bit of a stomach bug. He had been vomiting at least once a day and I could not figure out how to fix it. He had went to his well check up on the previous Wednesday and later that night gotten sick out of nowhere? Each day passed and he almost consistently found some point in the day to get sick. I was so frustrated, stressed and worried that I finally brought him in to see the Dr. this past Monday. They weighed him, took his temperature, his blood pressure/hydration level, his ears, lungs, everything. They had no advice for me other than to just let it resolve itself and if it gets worse to come back and they would start to run tests. The Dr. said that nothing about him made her feel like we would be back or that tests would be necessary. A few suggestions on how to keep him well hydrated but other than that no real diagnosis. This left me even more put out because like any mother I want to "fix" his issues and let him return to his normal routine.

As the next few days passed he again was finding a moment in the day to get sick. Only once and thankfully, not a large amount was he getting rid of. I finally, after talking to my husband convinced him to let me take him to the Chiropractor I have been seeing here. I have always been a believer of chiropractic care because I grew up wtih it. My mother had me getting adjustments when I was a little, little girl. We were all about natural remedies and wholistic treatments. The natural health food store was something my brother and I were very familiar with. Now being an adult and having my own children I have come full circle back to my roots and decided that it was worth a try to bring Calvin in.

Once, I had Sean convinced to supporting me in bringing Calvin in I encouraged him to get a consultation with the Dr himself. So, he agreed and made an appointment.

Thankfully, Calvin is finally feeling better and including Wednesday and today hasn't gotten sick. He hadn't gotten sick prior to his appointment on Wednesday but definitely didn't get sick after either. I'm not 100% sure if the adjustment he received helped him a lot or a little but all I know is that he is feeling better. I'm so thankful. I think I have learned from this experience is that I will first consider bringing my boys in to the Chiropractor first before the base hospital Dr.'s. I mean if they get a cut that requires stitches I'm not going to bring him to get an adjustment. However, if there are other health issues we're dealing with I'm going to definitely lean towards bringing them to my Chiropractor first. Like I told Sean if we never try something how can we insist its not going to work or help at all?

The interesting thing is that Sean's x-rays showed he is definitely in need of some help. Issues relating to working at a desk and some from just wear and tear over the years. I see him being open to natural medical treatment and I am praying as time continues he will "feel" a difference in his day to day life from relief of some of these aches and pains.

I plan on having Clayton also treated to make sure that he doesn't have any areas of concern. I want him and Calvin to grow up healthy and happy just like any mother. If there is anything I can do to help provide that I am going too.

One thing that I learned that I would of never thought any harm about was the fact that Calvin sleeps on his stomach. Loves it. Its his favorite position. He feels the most safe and comfortable in this position. However, it is impacting his neck muscles due to the length of time he is spending having his neck held on one side. I can feel the little tiny knots that have developed from this and we are working on massaging them out. I would of never thought to "look" for these nor would I have considered changing this habit. So, we are working on moving him after he falls asleep and position pillows in his crib to help him resolve this habit sooner than later.

I realize there is no way I can keep my family 100% perfectly healthy but I am trying my best to investigate new options to helping us be, and feel better.

I have learned very early in life that being healthy makes us all wealthy.

Have a great day!

3/12/10 - I'm back!

I'm sure some of you have really missed my blog this past week.
(Ha, ha, ha - yeah right....... the above is a joke.)

In all seriousness, I have missed writing all week. Its been a rough few weeks for us. Sean working odd hours and now this week I got really sick. I think my body just decided that it needed a break and was worn out. I'm going to request that my body update me on its schedule so that I might be better prepared next time. (Hee, hee if only it worked that way.)

I have said many times over and over how difficult it is to be a sick Mom. I had a throbbing headache all day yesterday and not to mention a really achy/sore body. To take care of two very active children through all that was sort of impossible. I told my husband how terrible of a Mom I was because all I could do is lay down on the couch and pray for God's protection of my children. I know this sounds awful and completely irresponsible but Sean could not come home from work to help me so I was on my own. My youngest son stayed close by me as he always does and thankfully my oldest son although still mischievous was reasonably well behaved.

Nap time couldn't come soon enough and I was so thankful for the opportunity to lay my head down and get some much needed rest.

I was blessed to find when I woke up that my husband had surprised me and found a way to come home early to help with the kids. I was so thankful and incredibly grateful to him because I know his work load was not light this week. He thought first of me and the kids instead of himself and his job. I praise God for giving me such a very thoughtful and considerate husband. He has mentioned often these past few weeks how full his work plate is and so I realized the sacrifice he made for me.

It was so nice to be able to rest and after I woke up a hot bath made me feel even better.

I am glad to report that today I am finally feeling close to 100%.

Each time I get sick I always keep telling myself what a blessing it is to have your health. Each day I wake up I need to always praise the Lord for my health. It should and is going to become an unconditional requirement of my daily schedule.

I hope all of you are healthy and have had a wonderful week.
Happy Friday and I pray your weekend be full of quality time with family and friends.

3/3/10 - Breaking the stress cycle....or trying too..

Waking up at 6:30am lately has become a daily routine not a special occasion. Thankfully, I am getting a much better quality of sleep in my new bed which allows me to wake up rested. I remember waking up at 8:00 and wanting to stay in bed. Now, I am able to get and go. And go is what I definitely do!

Talking to my Dr today about my back's progress in some of the healing and improvement process we are working on he shared with me that my lower back is healing a lot faster than he thought it would. It has stabilized finally and now it is a matter of just continuing to watch its development. I was so happy and relieved to hear this because my degeneration is the worst in my lower back. After feeling positive he then went on to share with me that my neck and upper back which were my lesser problem areas (but still problems) are not correcting as well because he said I carry all my stress in those areas. Listening to my current lifestyle and all that I do on my own due to Sean's schedule he said is wearing on my body. I'm sure it wears on all of of us Moms. I was at church on Tuesday for my Bible Study and had a minor back spasm that caused me to yelp a little as I bent down to pick something out of the stroller. A lady nearby thought she had stepped on me accidently and shared an apology as she passed. I told her that it was my bad back and had nothing to do with her. I laughed saying I've got an old lady back. She said in response we all have bad backs were Moms.

I think it somewhat funny because I know so many women overseas in third world countries that probably carry more weight on their heads than I ever have in my arms.

However, I'm trying to consider what the Dr said this morning about where I carry my stress. As I drove away from the Dr office I thought about his feedback and what I could do to improve my problem by just mentally changing my routine or habits. While thinking about it and driving at the same time I realized I was holding my shoulders tight and my neck stiffly. After recognizing what I was doing I shook my shoulders trying to relive the strain. Who knew I did this? I certainly did not. Once this epiphany came to me I caught myself doing this very same thing several times in a few hours.

I'm unsure what this could do to improve my back's healing progress but its certainly worth a try. Surprising isn't it how much our "mental" health has to do with our physical health? It is true though when they say it is all connected. If we are healthy and happy mentally and emotionally more than likely our body will follow suit.

I am challenged by this to focus on removing some of the stress in my life. In the Bible Jesus talks about how many of us could add an hour to our lives if we stopped worrying. (Matthew 6) For me, its not only several hours I could recover but hopefully, my back as well.

I hope that the rest of you are having a good day and more than that mentally are having a good one as well!