I lost my Mother at a young age. I had just finished my first few months of my senior year of high school when the Lord took her to heaven. It devastated me and my senior year although momentous also came with a lot of grief and depression. Being the only child left at home to help my destroyed Father through his own grief and pick up all the broken pieces of our home life was pretty intense for an 18 year old. My Father then when I was only 26 years old also passed away. So I had lost both parents before the age of 30. When I know of 50 year olds or more that still have their parents to this day made for a very, very horrible loss for me and my siblings. Being the youngest though of 5 kids, 3 of which are all more than a decade older than I am had a very different grieving process. I graduated from high school my Mom was missing. I got married and my Dad was not there to walk me down the aisle and give me away. I have my first child and neither are able to be there for me or their grand child. My second son was born and the same thing. And now, that my third child is almost here, again I am filled with a sadness and loss that words could not express. Most women I know have their Mother's in the delivery room or in the maternity ward's waiting room the day the baby is born. They see the baby for the first time, hold and cuddle with the newborn with pride. Never experienced this. My son's have never had my Father take them for ice cream or ride in Grandpa Kardell's tractor on the farm. My parents have never bought one thing for their grandchildren to wear or play with. They can never wear a shirt that says, "When Mommy says no, I go to Grandma's house." I hate those shirts only because they break my heart that my Mother will never get to buy it for them. I know these things seem all so minor and superficial. However, they are precious experiences and moments I have witnessed, hear about, and/or dreamed of for my children that will never come to fruition.
We live very far away from both sides of our families. And when we had Calvin just a year and a half ago we had no visitors in the hospital. The only people that saw baby Calvin were Sean and I and Clayton. It made me so sad. It is a reality that many military families experience when moving around a lot and living far away from extended family. So, in a lot of ways, I need to just accept the reality of our current life and embrace it for all that it is. And I have definitely been trying to just look at the positive side these last few weeks of my pregnancy. However, with all the hormones, lack of sleep, the exhaustion in these last few days I have been losing this valiant battle of the mind.
Again, I know I am blessed. There are so many people in this world who can not conceive children and would endure anything to experience it first hand. I understand this with great appreciation for what God has allowed me to have. It just gets hard at times when I think of how much my Mom and Dad would of loved to be here to care/love/hold my children as they had my Sister's children. (For which they had 5 grandchildren before mine were born.) I was 4 years old when my oldest sister gave birth to my oldest nephew so I saw how much my Mother and Father adored him and the children to follow.
For all of you that have your parents still please do me a great service by treasuring each moment you have and will have with them. Savor each hug they give to your children and each giggle they cause your little ones to make. Yes, they may spoil your kids. Let them. Yes, they may interfere with your parenting, accept it. Yes, they may be a little demanding, understand they just really love your kids (can you blame them?) The other side of your scenario is not better or easier. It is painful and grievous. I would do anything for my kids to have my parents in their lives. However, it is only my dream someday for us all to be together in heaven one day long into the future. Eternity is the only way my children will get to enjoy their grandparents on my side.
In closing, I just want to say that I truly do see how blessed I am. I do feel grateful for this pregnancy each and every day. I love my two boys more than my own life. With having shared that, I just really miss my Mom and Dad. Having another baby just makes it more difficult not having them here because of how special and important this time in my life is. Wishing beyond all wishing they could of been here to share it with me.
God bless all of you and your families during this time of year.
May it be as special and magical as it can be.
Mom and Dad- if you can hear me or see me I just want you to know how much I love you and always will. You live in my heart and will for the rest of my days. I try to be the woman you hoped I could be. Mom, I desperately try each day to be a fraction of the wonderful Mother you were to me. Dad, I am trying to raise these boys as best as I possibly can with all the great traits, values and vital lessons you taught me. I miss you. Hope you can see my angels here on earth from where you are in heaven. I think you would think they were cute. You always wondered what my children would look like, and I have to say, I don't think they turned out too shabby. :) I think they are pretty cute myself. I will give them as many hugs and kisses as I can for both myself and a few from you guys too. Thank you for all you gave me. I never take it for granted and will always do my best to make you proud of me. With all my heart - forever and ever - Your daughter, Natasha
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