As I laid both my sons to bed tonight I cried telling them how much I loved them and how I will miss them tomorrow. Its not often I go a whole day without seeing my children. The last time I did this was in May when I went to visit my family that I hadn't seen in almost 2 years in Nebraska. I was able to leave them only because I had missed my family and friends severely back home and because I knew Sean would take excellent care of them while I was away. Having at least one parent there to comfort and love them helped me cope with the separation anxiety I experienced while gone. However, Sean will be with me tomorrow and most of the day until late in the afternoon. I feel guilty leaving them but am so incredibly blessed by 2 women who have been so generous to be willing to share their holiday weekend with us. With no family out here to support us through such an experience it was so vital and necessary for us to have these two step up and lend us some help through a complicated schedule. I could never repay them for what debt that I feel I owe them for doing such a kind and compassionate deed but I will certainly try to show them my gratitude once I'm able to get around again.
I'm having my third c-section tomorrow. Its so painful I wish I could experience a natural child birth. Not that natural deliveries aren't painful. But, the recovery for the most part is faster and easier than having a huge incision to heal. I dread it and will be dreading it until I'm on the operating table laid out "crucifix" style awaiting the first cries of my baby. Once the baby cries I start to bawl uncontrollably because each time I have a child (2 times) it just isn't truly real until I hear the cry. Yes, they kick me and push me from within but its just so completely impacting to hear them make their presence known in this world.
I have been faithful in writing in the baby's baby book these past few weeks and months and I can not wait to fill in the blanks for the delivery date.
I know how blessed I am to be carrying my third child and I do not and will never take this experience for granted. We're not for sure if this is our last child or not but I have kept that reality in the forefront of my mind. Through these past 39 weeks I have tried to savor and appreciate every moment whether it be uncomfortable or comfortable. These gifts from God I do not ever forget are just that, gifts. I am thankful and grateful to God for entrusting these blessed and precious lives to me and Sean. We do not take our roles lightly and will forever be committed and perseverant in watching over these little ones until the day they need us to let go.
Thank you Lord for this life. Thank you for blessing this pregnancy and keeping the baby healthy. Thank you for keeping me healthy throughout allowing me to be an active Mother to both Calvin and Clayton. Thank you so much for Sean being such a supportive husband and devoted Father through these past few months. Thank you that he is here with me to support me and share with me this important day. I know that he could be deployed right now and I could be alone. You provided this time and this opportunity for us both and we are so thankful to you. We praise you for the many blessings you have and are giving to us. We love you so much and could not be more excited to meet this little one you have knit and created in my womb. Please bless all the happenings tomorrow and the Heather and Diana for watching the boys while we are gone. Thank you so much for your ever encompassing love and grace. Without You there would be no us. I love you so much and feel so overwhelmed by this wonderful privilege you have given to me to be where I am tonight. Amen.
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