12/29/10 - Last night

Tonight is the last night I will be officially a Mother of 2 boys. Tomorrow I will be welcoming another life into this family and I am more than excited! My children bless me in such a rich and powerful way. From the "new" developments they make to all the wonderful hugs and kisses I am showered with daily. Yes, there are moments where I could pull every single hair out of my head out of frustration of being a Mom of 2 boys under the age of 4. However, those moments are far from taking away the true joy and fulfillment I receive every day for being a Mom. I dreamed of this experience all my life and especially since the passing of my own Mother when I was in high school. It makes me feel closer to her as I try to repeat the same traditions and practices that she integrated into my life.

As I laid both my sons to bed tonight I cried telling them how much I loved them and how I will miss them tomorrow. Its not often I go a whole day without seeing my children. The last time I did this was in May when I went to visit my family that I hadn't seen in almost 2 years in Nebraska. I was able to leave them only because I had missed my family and friends severely back home and because I knew Sean would take excellent care of them while I was away. Having at least one parent there to comfort and love them helped me cope with the separation anxiety I experienced while gone. However, Sean will be with me tomorrow and most of the day until late in the afternoon. I feel guilty leaving them but am so incredibly blessed by 2 women who have been so generous to be willing to share their holiday weekend with us. With no family out here to support us through such an experience it was so vital and necessary for us to have these two step up and lend us some help through a complicated schedule. I could never repay them for what debt that I feel I owe them for doing such a kind and compassionate deed but I will certainly try to show them my gratitude once I'm able to get around again.

I'm having my third c-section tomorrow. Its so painful I wish I could experience a natural child birth. Not that natural deliveries aren't painful. But, the recovery for the most part is faster and easier than having a huge incision to heal. I dread it and will be dreading it until I'm on the operating table laid out "crucifix" style awaiting the first cries of my baby. Once the baby cries I start to bawl uncontrollably because each time I have a child (2 times) it just isn't truly real until I hear the cry. Yes, they kick me and push me from within but its just so completely impacting to hear them make their presence known in this world.

I have been faithful in writing in the baby's baby book these past few weeks and months and I can not wait to fill in the blanks for the delivery date.

I know how blessed I am to be carrying my third child and I do not and will never take this experience for granted. We're not for sure if this is our last child or not but I have kept that reality in the forefront of my mind. Through these past 39 weeks I have tried to savor and appreciate every moment whether it be uncomfortable or comfortable. These gifts from God I do not ever forget are just that, gifts. I am thankful and grateful to God for entrusting these blessed and precious lives to me and Sean. We do not take our roles lightly and will forever be committed and perseverant in watching over these little ones until the day they need us to let go.

Thank you Lord for this life. Thank you for blessing this pregnancy and keeping the baby healthy. Thank you for keeping me healthy throughout allowing me to be an active Mother to both Calvin and Clayton. Thank you so much for Sean being such a supportive husband and devoted Father through these past few months. Thank you that he is here with me to support me and share with me this important day. I know that he could be deployed right now and I could be alone. You provided this time and this opportunity for us both and we are so thankful to you. We praise you for the many blessings you have and are giving to us. We love you so much and could not be more excited to meet this little one you have knit and created in my womb. Please bless all the happenings tomorrow and the Heather and Diana for watching the boys while we are gone. Thank you so much for your ever encompassing love and grace. Without You there would be no us. I love you so much and feel so overwhelmed by this wonderful privilege you have given to me to be where I am tonight. Amen.

12/12/10 - Mommy's reflections...awaiting my next angel..

So many things go through a woman's mind when waiting to go into labor with a baby. Whether you consider the immense happiness you experience when hearing the first cries of your baby dreading the pain you may or may not experience.

For me, this is my third child and I couldn't be more excited. However, I dread the surgery I must endure to bring my baby into the world. There are laws in certain states that do not allow v-bacs and my husband brought me to one of these states. So, because Clayton was delivered via c-section I was forced to continue that tradition with Calvin. The recovery isn't horrible but it isn't pleasant either. After the baby is born you miss out on the immediate bonding that most mother's experience when delivering naturally. The whole laying the baby on your chest after delivery is something I will never experience. However, I try my hardest to focus on the real blessing which is a healthy and happy baby. Which I have had two and now praying also for the third to be just the same as well. As a Mother you worry constantly. At least I do. I worry about everything. Its hard not too. When you love someone as much as I love my children you fear for their safety, health and happiness. I spend a lot of time in prayer asking God to continue to shelter my children and watch over them as they find their way in this big world full of temptations and dangers.

I have been thinking about this new life within me and the amazing experience it will be to get to meet this little person I've been carrying around for so long. My two boys have such interesting and special personalities. My youngest son Calvin has been really developing his vocabulary and it has really been fun for Sean and I to watch him learn to communicate more effectively. He listens to Clayton and really observes him seriously to be able to mimic and follow in his foot steps. The role of a big brother truly is a special and important. Clayton's middle name is William for which we named him after Sean's Grandfather. The meaning of William means, "guardian". We didn't intentionally do this but Clayton takes his big brother role seriously and we have never asked him too. Other than keeping his hands to himself and not trying to intentionally hurt his brother he has done a great job. We couldn't be more proud of him for this reason. It is going to be interesting to see how he relates to this new baby because when we brought home Calvin, I think Clayton thought that the baby was "his" newest toy. He wanted to hold him right away and he was the first to hold him after we brought him home. It was a very special relationship right away. I pray a good experience for this new baby as well as they all learn to be a family.

Many people have asked us if we're done having children after this baby. The honest answer for both Sean and I is that we don't know. We have no idea what its like to be outnumbered. So, before we make any final decisions we want to experience three children before we worry about having four or not having four.

I'm so anxious for what is going to happen. Both my boys were born at 37 weeks and I am 36 wks and almost 5 days. I hope that no matter when the baby makes its arrival we're going to be grateful and so blessed beyond measure. I do request often via prayer at night that God allow me to either have the baby after Christmas and/or before. Only because it would really be hard to be in the hospital alone on a Christmas night without the rest of my family. No matter what, I'm excited. As any Mother would be.

I wish for you all a very Merry Christmas and a special and wonderful time together with your family and friends. God Bless you all.

Natasha

12/6/10 - Adoption is such an amazing option....

So for some of you that do know me, you are well aware that I was adopted as a child. My story is a very interesting one due to the fact that my life began in Seoul, South Korea in the late 70's. My biological parents were going to keep me but my biological Mother passed away shortly after I was born. My Father kept me for a few months and then made what I would assume was a tough decision by giving me up for adoption. He advised the orphanage he wanted me to be adopted by an American family. Thankfully, his wishes were granted and I was adopted to an awesome American family. I only state biological versus my adopted parents so that some of you not familiar with my story can follow who is who.

I was given an amazing life because of a sacrificial decision made by my biological Father. Adoption one either side of the experience is complicated. For the parent(s) giving a child up for whatever reasons they have is painful, and difficult. For the parent(s) adopting the child its full of legal paperwork, high costs, stressful waiting periods, and emotional ups and downs from all the different hoops one must jump through to adopt a child. However, when all is said and done usually in most cases the child adopted has a wonderful and fulfilling life being given an amazing new family to love and be loved by. I know for me, I feel amazingly blessed by the parents God chose for me. I know I would not be the person I am or be where I am had it not been for my Mom and Dad (Margie and Clayton Kardell). Their love for me gave me opportunities and blessings I could never have asked for or hoped for.

As I write this blog one of my oldest sisters is overseas in China waiting to be given her new daughter that my brother-in-law and her adopted. They have been waiting for almost 5 years to meet this little girl and now their dreams are finally coming true. They also adopted a little girl 17 yrs ago from South Korea. I was there when her plane landed in Des Moines, IA. It was such a blessed day when we met Karissa for the first time. She was the cutest little baby and I loved her immediately just as everyone in our whole family did, especially, my sister and brother-in-law. She and my brother-in-law had two sons naturally before adopting. So, their reasoning for adopting was not for lack of ability to have children naturally. They, just like my parents had natural children and then adopted later. I have often thought of this option for Sean and I do to do as well. Being adopted myself, it is difficult for me to live the rest of my life without giving a child the same wonderful life I was given as a child by two loving parents. However, as my family grows naturally, I'm not sure of the timing, the cost, and my own physical limitations as a Mother. Raising children is a hard job and any parent will agree exhausting. I want to make sure that if and when we were to adopt that we would be able to give a child everything they deserve. God will make it clear to Sean and I if and when the time is right.

Some people reading this may know of someone who is unable to conceive naturally. I would not say to tell them to adopt because this is a personal decision that has to be "I believed" God inspired. I can relate to a woman wanting to experience pregnancy and child labor. The bond this experience creates is very special and momentous. However, God chooses to answer our prayers with yes's and no's. I wish the answers to our deepest desires for our lives could always be yes, but in order for God's will to be done in our lives sometimes we are destined to experience pain or hardship to help develop our faith and dependance on Him. However, I have to say that adoption is truly an invaluable gift you can give to yourself and a child because the "bond" is one that can not be explained or contained based on one's biology. I may not look like my Mom or Dad but I certainly "love" like them.

If you don't know how you feel about adopting I hope that after reading this you have a positive opinion on it knowing how one decision can make a new life for a child who desperately needs it.

12/4/10 - Blessed but a little distressed....

Before I write anything. I need to make it completely clear that I know how truly blessed I am. Thankfulness is something I strive each day to consider a priority before a complaint runs through my mind. I do not always achieve such a lofty goal but I do make an effort to always try. As much as I have to be thankful for like anyone there are definite voids that I also ponder with sadness at important or life changing moments.

I lost my Mother at a young age. I had just finished my first few months of my senior year of high school when the Lord took her to heaven. It devastated me and my senior year although momentous also came with a lot of grief and depression. Being the only child left at home to help my destroyed Father through his own grief and pick up all the broken pieces of our home life was pretty intense for an 18 year old. My Father then when I was only 26 years old also passed away. So I had lost both parents before the age of 30. When I know of 50 year olds or more that still have their parents to this day made for a very, very horrible loss for me and my siblings. Being the youngest though of 5 kids, 3 of which are all more than a decade older than I am had a very different grieving process. I graduated from high school my Mom was missing. I got married and my Dad was not there to walk me down the aisle and give me away. I have my first child and neither are able to be there for me or their grand child. My second son was born and the same thing. And now, that my third child is almost here, again I am filled with a sadness and loss that words could not express. Most women I know have their Mother's in the delivery room or in the maternity ward's waiting room the day the baby is born. They see the baby for the first time, hold and cuddle with the newborn with pride. Never experienced this. My son's have never had my Father take them for ice cream or ride in Grandpa Kardell's tractor on the farm. My parents have never bought one thing for their grandchildren to wear or play with. They can never wear a shirt that says, "When Mommy says no, I go to Grandma's house." I hate those shirts only because they break my heart that my Mother will never get to buy it for them. I know these things seem all so minor and superficial. However, they are precious experiences and moments I have witnessed, hear about, and/or dreamed of for my children that will never come to fruition.

We live very far away from both sides of our families. And when we had Calvin just a year and a half ago we had no visitors in the hospital. The only people that saw baby Calvin were Sean and I and Clayton. It made me so sad. It is a reality that many military families experience when moving around a lot and living far away from extended family. So, in a lot of ways, I need to just accept the reality of our current life and embrace it for all that it is. And I have definitely been trying to just look at the positive side these last few weeks of my pregnancy. However, with all the hormones, lack of sleep, the exhaustion in these last few days I have been losing this valiant battle of the mind.

Again, I know I am blessed. There are so many people in this world who can not conceive children and would endure anything to experience it first hand. I understand this with great appreciation for what God has allowed me to have. It just gets hard at times when I think of how much my Mom and Dad would of loved to be here to care/love/hold my children as they had my Sister's children. (For which they had 5 grandchildren before mine were born.) I was 4 years old when my oldest sister gave birth to my oldest nephew so I saw how much my Mother and Father adored him and the children to follow.

For all of you that have your parents still please do me a great service by treasuring each moment you have and will have with them. Savor each hug they give to your children and each giggle they cause your little ones to make. Yes, they may spoil your kids. Let them. Yes, they may interfere with your parenting, accept it. Yes, they may be a little demanding, understand they just really love your kids (can you blame them?) The other side of your scenario is not better or easier. It is painful and grievous. I would do anything for my kids to have my parents in their lives. However, it is only my dream someday for us all to be together in heaven one day long into the future. Eternity is the only way my children will get to enjoy their grandparents on my side.

In closing, I just want to say that I truly do see how blessed I am. I do feel grateful for this pregnancy each and every day. I love my two boys more than my own life. With having shared that, I just really miss my Mom and Dad. Having another baby just makes it more difficult not having them here because of how special and important this time in my life is. Wishing beyond all wishing they could of been here to share it with me.

God bless all of you and your families during this time of year.

May it be as special and magical as it can be.

Mom and Dad- if you can hear me or see me I just want you to know how much I love you and always will. You live in my heart and will for the rest of my days. I try to be the woman you hoped I could be. Mom, I desperately try each day to be a fraction of the wonderful Mother you were to me. Dad, I am trying to raise these boys as best as I possibly can with all the great traits, values and vital lessons you taught me. I miss you. Hope you can see my angels here on earth from where you are in heaven. I think you would think they were cute. You always wondered what my children would look like, and I have to say, I don't think they turned out too shabby. :) I think they are pretty cute myself. I will give them as many hugs and kisses as I can for both myself and a few from you guys too. Thank you for all you gave me. I never take it for granted and will always do my best to make you proud of me. With all my heart - forever and ever - Your daughter, Natasha